Oh Heavenly Father, sometimes, maybe even most times, I think You must be disappointed that You sent Your Son for me. Such a price, such a high cost for me and I am not very much at all in return. I sense You asking why I would feel this.

Because–I am not perfect, I often mess up, bad things happen, I forget what You’ve taught me and repeat mistakes or I haven’t forgotten but I just choose not to, I don’t look good, I am weak, I don’t spend enough time with You, I lose hope and faith…I’m not perfect.

Not an equitable trade. The death of Your Willing, Loving, Committed, Obedient Son for me. I wish I was a better “deal” for You.

Yet– there’s Your quiet but strong and certain Voice again, contradicting the reality I’ve known and accepted. “Child, My Voice never says those things. My Heart is not like man’s. I am completely satisfied with you. And if you were the only child on earth that needed My Redemption, I still would have sent My Precious Son, Jesus. You are that beloved, that important to Me. It is not what you can give Me, Child, (although I will continue to equip you to give Me much!) –it is that I love you. I am, possess and offer a Love that is beyond your comprehension, reality and experience. But NEVER beyond your grasp. Take it, dear Child, and do not let lies hold or deceive you any longer. Let My Truth and My Word be the Voice you hear, the Voice you believe, the Voice in which you rest.”

Shivering, I stared as the paramedic fastened my seat belt. I could hear my screams of shock and fear but realized I was silent. Is this really happening?!, I cried to myself. I turned to the back of the ambulance to see the firemen securing Sarah in the gurney.  Yes, this is real.

Sarah, our beloved niece, has an extremely rare condition that can wreak havoc on her tiny body.

On September 16,2013, Sarah and husband, Charlie, welcomed miracle #2, Stella Rose, into their lives. Their first miracle, 15 month old Jude, would meet his new sister later. On day 7, Sar was continuing to recover beautifully, as confirmed by the MD appointment that morning. We were cleared to travel the 2 hours to our home which would provide a few more days of extra help. So Sar, Charlie, Jude, Stella and I arrived in Roseville Monday afternoon. Tuesday our world crashed. Hard.

We came to find out that Sarah’s body had been invaded and overwhelmed by a rare,extremely aggressive  bacteria which was causing her body to shut down (septic shock).  In ER, my mind floated in disbelief as we were urgently rushed from one test to another; Sar drifting in and out of awareness (Charlie sacrificially remained with the babies until his parents could arrive). Dazed, I continued praying/begging You to bring Sar’s body into alignment with Your Truth, to bring her dangerously high heart rate down, to bring her dangerously low blood pressure up, to let the doctor get the central line in safely, to bring color to her ghastly white face and lips, to bring warmth to her ice cold hands and feet. Then I heard Your surprising response “Stop, dear Child. I see. Just ask for the Might and Peace of My Presence to fill this place. To fill Sar’s heart, mind and body.” And You did.

Sar was in ICU for 8 days. Although we were grateful to learn this hospital is in the top 10 for sepsis treatment, these brilliant doctors were brutally honest about how Sarah’s case baffled them. Her underlying condition complicated the already grim prognosis. Her legs and arms turned deep purple and the chest tube poured out fluid while her heart pumped furiously—standard treatment methods were not working. Recovery seemed impossible as was reflected in their sad, troubled faces and comments. Our hearts and spirits were quiet, surrendered, somewhat unassuming.

Yet, in moments, You were to bring us a different dimension of Your Heart in this. Sar’s brother, Ryan, flew in, not knowing if it was to say good by. However, he entered her room with a battle plan. Like a warrior, he walked the ground of her room, boldly claiming it for You. He announced Your Victory over Sar’s body, mind and spirit. Suddenly, fresh Power descended upon us. The Truth of God’s Authority had been declared and began consuming us and redirecting us. Alleluia! You were in charge and in complete control! NOT Sar’s symptoms. NOT the various reports. NOT the prognosis. NOT the tests. NOT the limitations of man’s treatments and solutions. GOD ALONE!

Sarah was discharged from the hospital on day 10. She continues to heal and gain strength. She is ecstatic to be home with her family. She is radiantly beautiful-even as her hair falls out (an effect of such severe illness).

Most likely, we will not know this side of heaven-WHY?… Why do You heal some and not others?…so many whys in this life.  BUT, we came away renewed in the realization of God’s Authority. And He is ALL GOOD. So, every plan will eventually point to His Love and Kindness…as we wait.

For more on Sarah and Charlie (and Jude and Stella=)), please go to Charlie’s blog to read moving accounts of this husband’s journey.  bloggingcharlie.com

As my tired eyes rest upon the tree outside the window, I am reminded of myself–barren and exposed; empty branches being tossed about in the cold, fierce storm. But I become aware of Your Voice. Just as this tree has developed deep roots in good soil and will therefore survive and greatly benefit from the severe pruning in this harsh season, so will I. You are my Foundation. You are the Soil into which I put down the roots of my heart. You prune my branches even as I feel so naked, raw and exposed. But until the marked time for my new growth to emerge, You tenderly cover my barrenness and protect my naked vulnerability.

Please enable me to sit here with You and not fear the fierceness of the storm. Let me rest assured You are always bigger, stronger and able. You are the Great I AM. You are in control of the storm. You calm the storm. I need only to sit quietly with You. 

I don’t recall hearing anything more about Simon of Cyrene after he helped carry the cross. Did his encounter with You change him? Or did he only grudgingly lift Your cross, unaware he was stepping into historical, heavenly realms with the King? Did reluctance to carry the cross blind him to the majesty and power of the event? Did he miss the miracle because he ran to escape the bloody, painful cross as soon as it was possible?

And what about me? Do I desperately try to run from the crosses in my life? Does  my reluctance to go to the places You have ordained obscure the ability and privilege to see the Heavenly?

Or do I choose to follow You closely along the bloody, excruciating paths and like Mary, be there to witness Your Resurrection Miracle?

Profound suffering  seems to grant us entry into the Garden of Gethsemane with You. If we miss this privilege, we lose out on a depth and dimension in our intimacy with You that seems possible only in this lonely, intense place. It is on this side of eternity alone that we will hurt and mourn and require Your Comfort to survive and thrive. In heaven, we will be with You in joy only. Tears seem to connect us to the Living Water in a way nothing else does.

I feel like such a hypocrite trying to write a blog; too aware of my rebellious ways, willful disobedience, ugly moods and attitudes.

Again, You remind me by the rainbow in the cloud,

“It is NOT about you, Child! It is about Me! My Grace, My Work, My Restoration, My Power, My Promises, My Spirit. Your darkened heart will ALWAYS need My Touch. Need Me. You alone will never be whole. You and I as one. Available. Necessary. Abundant. Powerful. Life giving. Beautiful. Lean on Me alone. I will finish what I have started. I am your ONLY Hope of deliverance from all the imprisoned places of your heart, mind and spirit. I alone am your Freedom. Rest. Trust. Allow Me. ”  Amen.

As You hold and mold the brokenness and sadness of my heart, may others see Your Compassion, Reliability, Power, Strength, Concern and Love. May it give hope where there is none possible. May it be clear that You are NOT the One who inflicts.  You are the One who rescues. May we not misidentify the enemy.

I had again wearied and despaired. The trials were too many; the attacks too precise. I felt unable to continue the good fight. The emptiness has won, I thought. I am done. And then in the darkness, You magnify Your Truth. You spoke in the middle of the night.

“Daughter, you asked for joy”.  “Yes, Lord, I thought You would give me joy INSTEAD of adversity”.  “No, Child.  IN SPITE of adversity”.

Amen.

Your Ways are miraculous, mysterious, powerful, transforming and so much higher than ours. You train us for Your Great Purposes in most unexpected ways; in the desert, in solitude, in lands of invisibility and insignificance, in weakness, on our knees, in rest, in quietness, in what appear to be unpleasant, undesirable places. But it is there we meet You Face to face and learn what it is to be a friend of God. Learn to hear Your Voice. Learn to be still as we realize only Your Movement matters. Learn who we are and who we are meant to be. Learn to see the real vision and to surrender our own. Thank You for training us in spite of our pleas.

If I am ever tempted to think that while on earth You endured suffering in a buffered way because You are God, I need only to visit the garden and Your cross walk. You asked three times for the cross not to happen. Three times!! Not once and then moved on in holy eagerness-but three times You pleaded for another way. When it was heartbreakingly denied, You entrusted Yourself to the Father’s will and were able to go forth victoriously, heroically and miraculously to accomplish the impossible. Another glimpse of Your complete humanity- a man had to help Your broken human body carry Your cross. You collapsed, bloodied and bruised, and required the arms of a mere man to lift the heavy cross.

If I am ever tempted to think that somehow You were shielded from the depth of human suffering, I need only to dwell in these accounts. You experienced our darkest moments and indeed are the sympathetic, understanding High Priest of Hebrews 4 and John 11. You sit and weep with us in our pain but then enable us to victoriously and miraculously experience the impossible.