The road has been scorched indeed, in fact it has been absolutely engulfed in flames. I have not felt able to wrap words around the pain and sorrow for many months…ever since another world rocking call came in –my little brother did not have an ulcer, he was full of cancer. His battle was raw, valiant and private. I was honored to be allowed into his inner circle of honesty; which was breathtaking and excruciating. Kenny entered glory December 24, 2015.

Reeling, I knew it would take time to absorb and find words for the bigness of his journey and the reality of his absence.

And then within weeks, another call…the panicked voice of my mom; “Vikki, your dad fell outside and can’t get up!”. 911, ER admit, surgery for his broken hip…the holy privilege of being by Dad’s side throughout. Especially when he suddenly and unexpectedly deteriorated on post op day 4 and within 12 hours peacefully entered into eternity; eight weeks later, on the same day of the week and about the same hour as his beloved son.

Lord, through it all, miraculously (and shockingly to me!!) there has been a steady calm over my heart, mind and spirit.  The sadness has been consuming but I am so aware and comforted by the fact that You, Jesus, were a Man of sorrows. You see and collect every tear. And You understand. I may not get any of this but I know Your Heart is kind and I desire to filter everything through that. Please help me/us do that.

The dogs and I wander the neighborhood this morning. As I turn a corner, I see a lady walking her tiny black poodle. They are a pretty picture. Her hair is coiffed, her outfit form fitting and fashionable and her pup prances. I look down at the three of us. My shorts are baggy and worn. My shirt is an old PE t-shirt. I know my hair is a mess, thrown into a careless pony tail. The dogs are each going their own way and the leashes wrap around my legs.

For a minute, I covet. I think of the appeal of a tasteful walk; orderly and lovely. But I am surprised how quickly the desire is replaced by gratitude. You have been working deeply on my spirit. I think of the chaos, trials, heartbreaks, weaknesses, failures and excruciating pain that wrap around my legs, threatening to trip me up. The moments I have fallen into the dark pit of despair, convinced I am not able to get back up this time. Yet in and through it all You have been growing much in my weary spirit; even enabling me to appreciate and savor the leashes of pain that wrap around my heart because I am learning of You in ways unfamiliar to me.

So I gratefully walk along.

I couldn’t get the hardened crud off the dish so I let it soak in water. When I went back to wash it later, the stain came off easily without effort. No scrubbing. No special cleanser.

Oh yes. How symbolic. When I allow myself to soak in Your Living Water, my stains come off. Without my striving. Without self efforts of purifying. Without rituals of cleansing. Just allowing myself to quietly soak in You and watch the work of Your Life Giving Water over the hardened crud in me.

Father, You continue to reveal the depth and width of my anger at all the wrong that is around me. But a turbulent spirit cannot be restful before You. A fiery heart cannot hear or speak the gentle whisper of Your Holy Spirit.

Thank You that You guide me back to an authentic place of quiet. And no matter how many times I run off to my own land of disbelief, anger, hurt, self justification, plans…You remain truly The Longsuffering Shepherd that firmly but tenderly extends Your Rod and Staff to bring back this wandering lamb to Your Safe Pasture.

There are not big enough words to thank You.

Isaiah 30:15 For thus says the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel, “In returning and rest you shall be saved, in quietness and trust shall be your strength”.

I keep thinking the darkness will dissipate and the oppression lessen so I can breathe more easily. You promise in 1Corinthians 10:13 that You will not give us more than we can bear but will provide the way so we can endure. Now I get it. This IS more than I can bear; the load is way too heavy and I feel it breaking me. And even though it is too heavy for me to carry, You desire for me to KNOW I am not asked to carry this alone. In fact, You offer to carry it for me. All this pressure is just an opening, a rather beautiful opening, deeper into You. Please enable me to pass and not remain at the opening struggling to try to do this very unsuccessfully on my own.

You knew Judas would be the one to betray You into the hands of evil men for torture and murder. Yet on the night You said one of them would betray You, the other disciples didn’t have a clue who it was. This indicates how well and thoroughly You loved him all the days he walked with You. Even when he came at You in the garden, You called him friend.

May I love as You, those who are out to betray. May there be NO evidence of hurt, anger or disappointment except in the inner chambers with You where I am free to be honest and transparent. May I so trust in You that I am able to authentically leave the future completely to Your Pierced Hands. Jesus.

I wrote down a social security number on a random piece of paper for one of the numerous forms required after the death of my father in law. When I didn’t need it anymore, I went to cross it out but then realized it would be better to just erase it so there was no remaining marks.

Aha! You don’t just cross out our sins, leaving a reminder of its presence over us. You erase them as if they were never there, leaving us unmarked and clear. Amazing!

Death is disorienting…no matter that I know it is an inevitable reality. My father in law died three weeks ago and I try to wrap my mind around his permanent absence. I watch as my beloved mother in law tries to process her world without him.

And I hear a question. How do you desire to spend your remaining days on earth? In pursuit of comfort? Ease? Luxury? Status?…It is a question we each are answering. I sense my heart open honestly before You and am grateful and relieved for the clear answer I hear me speak to You; in authentic service to You. Every single day. Every single moment. Surrendered truthfully to You with no other motive than to know You well and be useful to Your Heart of Love. This has been the intense work of Your Spirit over my life and I am so thankful.

I read again about Your Resurrection and this time notice surprising timing. In John 20, I read how Mary stayed at the empty tomb weeping even though Peter and John went away to their own homes. She then turned and encountered the Risen You! You sent her to tell the disciples and then verse 18 says the same day at evening …You came and stood in their midst. Same day at evening??!! Ok, You come back from the dead as You had told them and You wait for evening to appear to them? I am thinking You would be in somewhat of a hurry to PROVE You knew what You were talking about and to reassure Your mourning followers. But You wait till evening!

And then Thomas, not being present for Your Appearing, declares he will not believe the accounts from ALL the other disciples; gotta love this guy…he has all of them telling him the same exciting news and he refuses to believe them! Gives me such hope to hear of the boneheads who love You…I fit right in! So I am thinking, this guy doubts and You would want to rub his face in the truth!! In holier terms, enlighten him to the Resurrection; but my heart gets so small sometimes and I want to rub my face and everyone else’s in truth…ugh! But again, You wait! In no apparent hurry to PROVE Yourself to the doubter, You wait EIGHT days!!! Eight! And You gave him what he needed to believe although with loving correction.

Your timing is so different from what makes sense to me. No wonder You instruct us numerous times in Your Word to WAIT ON THE LORD. I desire to wait…even when it is confusing. Jesus.

I love being around the “grandkids” (Sarah and Charlie’s babies). So many things I forget about one and two year olds! I was delightfully reminded of a very simple truth as I sat with Jude. He stumbled onto the drum as we were playing music (him not impressed with my musical aptitude whatsoever!) and hit his knee. He began to cry and before I could even react came towards me holding up his leg. “Oh, you want Nonna to kiss it?” “Yes.” I could hear the “DUH” in my own ears as I realized how I had forgotten about this beautiful part of childhood. I kissed the outstretched limb, wiped his tears and we were immediately back to making joyful, loud music…ok, noise.

I marveled at this. No visible change to the knee, no medical technique made his knee feel better; just absolute confidence that going immediately to the arms of a trusted caregiver would make it all better.

I am relearning this part of childlike faith with You. As I get bruised and hurt by dark events, I am remembering more often to run to You, anticipating Your Kiss to make it all better. You wipe my tears and we are off to make more joy.