The week was packed with things to get done; our daughter was home on her last break from nursing school. I hadn’t really landed on her departure time to drive back down the state in the midst of the activity. As Sunday arrived, I clarified the plan and was dismayed to discover her plan was to leave around 4pm which would land her in San Diego around midnight! Not fond at all of the idea of her being alone on dark roads, I exclaimed, “You have to leave NOW!”. “But I want a little more time with you guys…”. “Nope! Now!” We hurried and packed her things and I laughed as I realized how this would have come across if she was not absolutely certain and secure in my heart towards her and confident that in all matters, I want what is best for her.

I hear Your Whisper, “Yes, child, when you are not completely aware and confident in My Heart towards you, My Ways can confuse and hurt you. Remember this so when you perceive My “Hit The Road!”, you are able to receive it in the Love I send it and not feel rejected, disliked or doubtful. For My Love towards you is constant, unchanging and perfect. And I always have your best in mind in all I do”.

I hear You whisper to my tired spirit, “Abundant Life I have for you, child”. I hear my  response, “Yes, Lord, I know heaven will be amazing”.  Immediately, I hear the echo of dear, sweet Martha, “If You had been here, Lord…Yes, I know he will live again in the Resurrection…”. Lord, I hear You. You desire and command life abundant here and now; because of, in, through and by You. And not the evil of the days; not the blazing hot circumstances that wither my spirit; not the smallness of my heart and faith…can stop You! You wept. For her ignorance? For her unawareness?…of the Power that was theirs to have, the Hope, the Joy, the Peace that they did not perceive. The reality of their circumstances blinded them to Your Eternal View, to the remembrance of You, Your Power, Your Heart, Your Love and Your desire for goodness for them.

I long, Jesus, to be immovable in my devotion, confidence, hope and awareness of You and Your TRUTH that speaks the true reality into and over all circumstances; over the evil of the days. I desire to walk boldly, steadily, courageously in and only in Your Power and Presence. I want to turn immediately to You for definition of what is happening around me and not evaluate by my own understanding and despair.

Jesus, You truly are my Hope. Your Kindness and Patience beckon me constantly to Your Arms and I am astounded You do not weary of my ignorance and insolence; but You weep for and with me and then set about with and in Your Transforming Power!!!

This morning I am reminded of another stop that looked like the final outcome was death. Your dear friends, Mary and Martha, sent word for You to come quickly because their beloved brother was seriously ill. You did not go right away…a very pain filled stop.

When You did arrive, their brother had already died. “If You had been here, Lord, this tragedy would not have happened!” they cried.  I can imagine their tortured thoughts; “We thought You loved us, loved him”, “Why in our greatest time of need, You didn’t show up?”, “You could have prevented this devastation for us”, “Are You really Who we thought You were–loving, good, caring, powerful…?”.

You wept.

You knew in moments You would call Lazarus back to LIFE! But You wept. Why? Was it for their deep sorrow? for their lack of understanding? for their confusion and doubt? Were You looking into all the times, Your people for all generations, would not understand Your Ways, the Goodness and Purpose of Your Heart and be broken with doubt, anguish and torment? Were You overcome by the reality that in Your Perfect, Sacrificial Love, Your children would still miss Your Heart in the times to come?

Someday we will know for sure the reason. Until then, Jesus, please empower us to truly grip and rest in the Truth and Authenticity of Your Perfect and Pure Love!

Lord, as I sit before You and get real about the stop You made on the way to heal the man’s (Jairus) little girl, I am troubled by my reaction. As I witness You stop to interact with a woman, I cry out, “What about the little girl?!!! She has her whole life ahead of her! Is this stop, this conversation really necessary right now???? Isn’t getting hurriedly to the child a priority???!!”. I know myself…I would be overcome with doubt towards Your Ways, disillusioned by Your Choices, confused by Your Actions. And I would stagger in fear and faithlessness. And I would be heartbroken by me. For I long to be steadfast in faith; confident in the Ways of my Master.

You lead me to Hebrews 13:5-6– Let your conduct, child, be without covetousness (wishing for something different); be content with such things and situations as you have. For I Myself have said to you “I will never leave you nor forsake you (abandon, give up on, disown) so you can confidently and boldly say, “The Lord Himself is my Helper; I will not fear (or panic or worry or be anxious). What can man (or anything else) do to me (because You Yourself shield me!!)? “.

Thank You for Your extreme, unending, unfathomable patience and preciseness in growing my ability to believe and rest in You at all times for indeed Your Spirit teaches me the reality of how immeasurably higher are Your Ways and Thoughts than mine!!!

I read Mark 5 and am again struck by the stop You made to figure out who touched You for power and healing. You took time to speak to the woman who stopped bleeding on the way to heal a dying little girl. I can only imagine the critical, disapproving and anxious thoughts from those accompanying and watching You on this journey. And it seems rightfully so since in the delay, word comes that the girl has died! But You say to the dad, “Do not be afraid; only believe.” Believe in Your Power to raise the dead to life. Believe in what is not seen by physical eyes or minds. Believe You, not human reports.  This stop looked in all ways to have produced death, when in fact, it was leading to a MIRACLE of new life.

I hear You say also to me in the current, confusing stops, “Child, do not be afraid; only believe.” Yes, King Jesus, for I believe You; the stops lead to miracles of new life.

I remain in awe and wonder at how radical You are; exploding any preconceived notion that limits or misrepresents You. The Tomb of Jesus comes to mind; a place of death and finality, yet in Your Hands it becomes a place of Life, New Beginnings, Hope and Safety. We can hide in there with You, upon the Mercy Seat of Your Sacrificial Blood, away from the lethal arrows of the enemy; fully accepted, redeemed and perfectly loved.

I think also of Matthew 7:21-23 which vehemently condemns some who claim Your Name but who You say, in fact, practice lawlessness. That which appears polished by our limited vision is blasted by the Truth that You are.

May we only settle into Your Truth and be willing to accept Your Opposites.

In the garden, Abba, before evil was introduced into the hearts, minds and spirits of Adam and Eve, they walked naked before You and one another with NO shame or desire to be covered. In Your glorious way, You invite us to do that again today (well, not physically in public 🙂 ). The Blood of Your Son has covered us once and for all. And now we are invited to come to You naked, exposed and transparent as we confess honestly before You things in ourselves we would rather hide. You free us truly and deeply of shame, guilt and condemnation. I uncover my spirit before You and dance a redeemed woman.

Every single step we take, each and every one, determines where we end up. We may think it is only a small one in a certain direction, but before we know it, we can find ourselves somewhere we never meant to be. You led Your people by a cloud by day and fire by night. You are never not desiring to lead Your children still today, but we neglect to ask.

Please help us to step only as You illuminate our way.  Jesus.

Jeremiah 33:3 Call to Me and I will answer you and tell you great and hidden things you do not know.

James 1:5 If you lack wisdom, you should ask God, Who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.

In the Fire Academy, our nephew Michael, had to learn to put on PPE (personal protective equipment), which included boots, pants, jacket, hood, helmet and gloves. He needed to be able to don all this in under one minute and inability to do so would result in termination from the Academy. Extreme but necessary. Obviously. I mean what fireman would ever think to enter a fire without this protection?! It would be utterly ridiculous. And suicidal. The need to master this skill is indisputable. He practiced over and over. I got to time him on one visit and he kept getting 4-10 seconds over, but he did not give up; just kept repeating the exercise. Of course he has to, I thought…otherwise he has no hope of fighting fires.

Later I found myself wondering… why do I not think it as pressing  to be proficient at donning the equipment You tell me is necessary to be able to withstand the fires of evil (Ephesians 6)?? Why am I not adamant about my ability and familiarity with the pieces You have ordered for my safety and effectiveness?? Why do I not think it critical to master this?? I could easily see the absurdity of not putting on physical equipment for protection in fire, but You warn us that the spiritual fires are just as real. Just as dangerous. Just as lethal.

Holy Spirit, please help me to be willing to train like Michael till I have it down; putting on the belt of Truth, the breastplate of Righteousness, the  shoes of Peace, the shield of Faith, the helmet of Salvation, and the Sword of the Spirit. For unless I am proficient in donning my spiritual PPE like You tell me to, I can only expect to be terminated from the privilege of withstanding and fighting the fires of evil.

I have been gone from these pages as I walk the road of service You have laid before me. I think about the truth that You alone equip me for the good works You prepare in advance for me to do,  yet I feel an intense strain over my body, mind and spirit. Desiring to soar but feeling like I am barely crawling. Longing for a time of uninterrupted silence with You yet finding instead the days remain packed with needs and demands. And in the midst of it all, lies continue to be aimed at us. I cry out once more for respite.

Yet You surprise me again with Your mysterious, much higher ways. I hear You whisper of the beauty and brilliance of these intense days; shaping and forming my heart, mind and spirit to be more like my Master; to not doubt the work of my perfect Father. In fact , by Your enabling, to actually welcome the precise and yes, painful…very painful discipline (to be a disciple) of my Redeemer. Yes! Have Your way in my life! Let me not squirm off the table as You shape me. Sometimes I struggle to believe this is all from Hands of Love and not harsh rejection. The enemy is desperate for me to believe that . But I only need to refocus on Your bloody, battered Body on the Cross to hear the volumes of sacrificial Love spoken over me.

You warn this world will be full of corruption and brokenness but You desire to equip me to march through the darkness filled and stabilized with Your Peace and Wellbeing; trusting Your Hand and Power in ALL things. To not even be focused on deliverance, but focused solely on Your Presence in the journey. Certainly You encourage us to hope for justice and truth, but our real treasure is in knowing Your intimate closeness in the fire.