I just finished reading Matthew 18, about the servant who was forgiven much and then would not pardon a small debt owed to him. I never imagined I could be that guy; seems so obvious. Then my eyes land on verse 35 again -“So My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from your heart, does not forgive another’s trespasses.”  “From your heart” shouts at me! Do I truly, from my heart, forgive? What does that mean? What does it look like?

I need to look to You for answers.

You forgave as they hammered Your Flesh (Luke 23:34)! So even with intentional, hurtful, unrelenting offenses; even when others are unaware of their wrongdoing, I am to forgive.

You choose to remember my sins no more (Hebrews 8:12, Isaiah 43:25). You do not hold an account of my transgressions. Why then do I hold a long list of others’ wrongs in my heart?

Forgiving is endless, there is NEVER a time You do not forgive me (Matthew 18:22). Therefore, there is never a time I am not to forgive.

They brought You a woman caught in adultery (John 8:1-11). You didn’t join in the frenzy of accusation, in fact looked down; perhaps to spare her one less set of eyes focused on her impropriety? So I am to forgive even if the offense is widely known and eliciting fervent, unforgiving excitement. I am to look away with respect, pray and forgive.

“From my heart”– how many times have I mouthed “I forgive”, but my heart has remained hostage to a bitter, sad unforgiving spirit?

How do I change?! Romans 7:24–O wretched person that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? I thank God-it is through Christ Jesus our Lord!

YOU will complete the work You have started; to empower me to truly forgive in my heart, to hold no accounts of wrongdoings, repeatedly if need be and even when the offender is unaware or unrepentant. I am absolutely helpless to purify my heart. Help me to bring quickly to You, as Your Holy Spirit reveals, any lack of forgiveness in my heart.

As I look out the window and take in the beauty of Your Creation, I am reminded that the universe indeed declares Your Majesty. Everything speaks of You and Your Ways.

I notice the blanket of spent leaves covering the dirt and reflect on how often You cover the hard ground of my heart. I think of the times when Your earth requires intense labor: weed pulling, harsh pruning, deep digging to break up hard soil…and am again directed to Your Ways of profound uprooting and painful reconfiguration in my own life. I reflect on bitter weather conditions; searing heat and bone chilling cold–physical seasons that echo spiritual ones. I look at bare branches and see new, tiny growth budding forth, a prelude to the strong, full tree it will become.

And so it is with us.

May we welcome and embrace each movement of Your Nature. Even though some are so severe and others so pleasing, each one is necessary and beneficial for our maturity in You.

I love our calendar. It keeps me organized and informed. There have been times when the commitments were so numerous, I had to place post it notes over the dates because there was not enough space. My many obligations as wife, mom, aunt, volunteer, RN, small group leader, teen Bible study leader…filled the little white squares on my calendar. In this current season of my life, many of these external roles have diminished. Your present purposes for me are very different from what I have known; now they are more behind the scenes, somewhat invisible and they don’t fill my little white squares. They are fluid obligations, identified as You lead–usually unplanned and unexpected. And amazingly rewarding and humbling. But I struggle with my blank squares!…so used to the badge of busyness that is recognized and greatly esteemed in our day. It is a battle for me to remain content and confident since I am unable to calculate and measure what I am doing. It is uncomfortable for me to not fill those little white squares with activities that make sense to me and look good.

It is disturbing to face another unhealthy and effective hold on me. From where or what or whom do I seek and receive my value? Apparently from people and things around me. Apparently from activities that people notice and applaud. Apparently from visible and esteemed roles.

I have said I desire to truly live for The Audience of One. Why then am I surprised that You are answering this prayer by revealing my weakness? You seem to answer often with revelation before transformation. You give us the privilege of seeing, agreeing and then watching You do the work to change us in the deep places of who we are. Authentic transformation from You. By You. Because of You.

Please have all my little white squares to do with as You please.

Jesus, Thank You for the privilege of sharing suffering with You. Thank You that You sit with me in understanding as I cry for broken, lost, sad, hurt people (including myself!). You wept, BUT a significant difference, You remind me, is that You are not weak. You act and reign in POWER. While I may crumble under the gloom, You do not! You wept for the pain of Mary and Martha. You were sad for them-perhaps for how unaware and ignorant they were of Your Mighty Ways. You knew the life changing miracle that was moments away for them, yet You still stopped to empathize with their grief and distress. You wept and then RAISED THE DEAD!

You weep with us and then RESURRECT LIVES! You are The Almighty.

Father, You bring me to the Cross and whisper,” I allowed this for you, dear Child”. And, Jesus, as I slowly look up to Your broken, bleeding Body, You look directly and intently at me and state,” Father, forgive her for she does not understand what she does”.  And the sincerity, mercy and grace that accompany these words are uncontainable and life changing.

Lord, may these words confront and conquer the lies from hell that tell me I am hopeless, worthless, inferior, forgotten, insignificant and not favored.  Because Your Cross speaks the truth to me no matter how many times I have bound You and led You away from my life; no matter how many times I have climbed that ladder and pounded those nails with the hammer of my sin into Your willing flesh. No matter how many times, You still forgive me. Amazing grace.

I used to be so afraid of having to confess to You my many weaknesses and infractions. I would want to hide from You which would deceive me to regard the distance from You as a result of Your displeasure with me, and not my movement away from You. I feared Your anger, harsh treatment and withdrawal of love. I would be filled with shame, remorse and self loathing; but instead of feeling like I could bring these to You, I limply held them, allowing the enemy to wrap them around my heart until I felt like a lonely, abandoned orphan in the abyss of my choosing. My fault.

But slowly and time and time again, I have been overwhelmed by Your Grace. You have sought me in my ditches of self condemnation, gently and lovingly carrying me back to Your Heart. It has been and always will be, Your Cross that makes me right. I can be free, even eager to confess to You what You already know about me. And I can wait and anticipate with assurance and peace that You will change me because I sure can’t! YOU will finish in me what You have started. And no matter how ugly I get or choose, You are graciously convincing me- You love me always! Always. And always long to forgive and restore me–I just need to come to You in humble honesty to receive. Grace, mercy, peace, redemption, power, transformation—GIFTS You give me freely and joyfully. Wow.

You used to walk in the garden with Adam and Eve. And now You invite me to walk with You; to stroll, admire, talk…You are friendly and You are my Companion. Every need I have is met in You–spiritual, emotional, physical, familial…You are the Answer and the Insight. You are indeed my portion in the land of the living. You promise me–“Call to Me and I will answer you and tell you great and hidden things you do not know” (Jeremiah 33:3). So, Lord, by Your Precious, Tender Spirit that resides within me, let me come to the garden often for Your Presence, Your Conversation, Your Companionship, Your Revelation-YOU!

Two days later…I am so far away from the garden!! The serpent still lurks and lures and before I know it, the enemy has enticed me with the apple and I bite, banishing myself to the bleak and dangerous wilderness. When will I learn?!

After all these years with You, why am I still insecure? Why am I afraid when others are doing great things, believing “better”, walking more faithfully…that You will like me less? After all these years of Your Patient Touch and Teaching of who I am in and because of You and who I am to You, why do I still wrestle with inferiority–as if what I bring determines my value? “Boast only in the Lord”. When I truly absorb this truth, I might finally understand that whatever others are privileged to do–is because of You, Your choices for them, Your purposes prepared in advance for their lives. And anything I get to do is the same; because of You alone. Perhaps when I truly grasp this reality, I will finally quit striving to earn Your approval, acceptance, attention and affection. And I will realize that You knit me together precisely, carefully, lovingly and wonderfully. Just as You knit together all who live, have lived and will live. And You are pleased. Our value and security is in our identity in You. Who am I to scoff at Your workmanship in my life?

You are the Vine, we are the branches. Branches look different; some are knotty, some thick, some bent, some rough…but as long as we remain connected to the Vine, we can be assured, in spite of how our particular branch might appear or differ, we are throbbing with purposeful, vibrant, blessed, delightful life. Because of You-the Vine.

May I surrender my sorrows, broken dreams and disappointments to You so that the tenderness they produce would soften my heart to be shaped like Yours. If You gave me all I have asked for, I would not be in the position to be molded into Your Image.

There I sit in the corner of the royal ballroom unnoticed, unattractive and  shabbily attired; yet invited to the Prince’s Ball. The boisterous, loud, successful, beautiful people surround the Prince, clamoring for His attention. I can’t even catch a glimpse of His Majesty. I cast my head down, alone in my shame; unworthiness and discomfort filling me to be in such a place at such a time.

And then suddenly a touch. And there He is before me. He gently lifts my face to look upon His and I am enveloped in His Eyes-Eyes that pour out Love for me. For me! His gaze draws me in and I am completely lost and transformed by His Presence and Power. He guides me to my feet and He has miraculously replaced my tattered clothes with rich, lustrous robes and I am beautiful in His Shadow. Then He dances with me-the lovely, harmonious waltz of life.

And I do not understand how-but He does this for and with every earnest heart that is His. There is a song that invites us to wonder what it will be like to finally see You Face to face, but may we never miss the sacred privilege and joy of meeting with You here and now.