Everything feels so hard, defeating and dark. I know everything is an exaggeration but to my feeble mind, heart and body…everything is how it “feels”. It is so challenging to enter the day, let alone with joy. But…There are so many life hinging, necessary, powerful BUTS in the Bible! Buts bring us to Your Truth no matter how things appear to our limited human perspective. So many mighty verses of Truth in Your Word include but. I desire to live and walk in obedience and power to Your Ways. I am gaining deeper insight into the command to fight the good fight. That is definitely how it feels- a fight that is taking every ounce of human determination, commitment and strength. But, the battle is the Lord’s! Why do I forget?! Why do I think You require my help? So, to fight this fight, I need to rest behind You and not give up and not doubt Your Ways and not withdraw from You in confusion and disappointment. But instead, according to Psalm 100:4-5, Enter (come into the secret, sacred place of Your Royal Presence-I am invited and desired!) with thanksgiving (which requires that I have faith in You alone and not define You by the conditions which surround me). Enter with praise (being truly absorbed and focused on You and Your wondrous attributes-kind, loyal, patient, sacrificial, grace-filled, humble, approachable, thunderous, majestic, awesome…and not consumed or distracted by the chaos, confusion and darkness that presses in). Give thanks to You ( sincerely speak words of gratitude for You, Your Truth, Your Covering, Your Power, Your Acceptance, Your Companionship, Your Heart and Eyes of Love, Your outstretched, pierced Hands that offer me refuge in a heavenly embrace. I am invited to stay there. Rest there.). Bless Your Name (to pronounce as holy, to laud, honor, celebrate, acclaim, admire, approve, adore, revere, worship); for You are good, Your steadfast Love endures forever (I can’t ever make it cease towards me!) and Your faithfulness endures to all generations!

Truly, in the Brilliance of Your Presence and Your buts, the oppressive circumstances fade into their proper position behind You.

I am struck by a word in a verse I have previously read numerous times; then.

John 8:31-32 says, Jesus said to those Jews who believed Him, ” If you abide in My Word, you are My disciples indeed. Then you shall know the Truth and the Truth shall make you free”.

It sounds as though we can believe yet not abide. As You spoke to people who believed You, You gave a sobering condition/warning; IF you abide in My Word–THEN… ONLY as we abide/remain in You, in Your Word (obey, connect, dwell), then and only then shall we receive the privilege of KNOWING the Truth, You! And only in knowing You and abiding in You, shall we be made free. You alone. You as Truth. Not our version of truth; You alone.

Walking through the neighborhood, we came upon a large tree that had been severely pruned. A neighbor popped out and began to blast the pruning…”I can’t believe I have to look at that hatchet job, they obviously did not know what they were doing, look at it, it’s completely chopped…”.  We were a bit taken aback by the intensity of her negative feelings and really hoped the owner was not in earshot. We said our good byes and continued our walk. Later, I pass again by the pruned tree and am actually struck by the beauty. Naked, bare wood with empty, thick branches making an impression against the sky. I wonder why I find it so appealing. It is definitely chopped, not much extending from its sturdy trunk. The small flimsy branches have all been removed and all that remains are a few thick strong branches. I am suddenly filled with hope for what will now grow as a result of this treatment and of course, it hits my heart. The severe pruning has created great promise of what is to come. It did not appear ugly at all to me; instead entirely filled with breathtaking potential. I realized anew how differently we can regard the various stages of our walk with You. We can, like our neighbor, abhor how a thorough pruning can make us look to ourselves or others. Others or ourselves can voice appalled comments to and about the severe treatment. Or we can be filled with awe as we look with Your Vision, filled with the hope only You can give because of the true promise of new and beautiful life to follow the Master Gardener’s touch.

On days like today, when I am dismayed and grieved by my sorrowful state of sinfulness, I find great comfort in reading about Peter. John 13:1-17 tells me about You washing the disciples’ feet. You girded Yourself with a towel, Your Word says, to wipe their smelly, dirty feet. So You brought their filth in close to You; not as I would have done, keeping the towel at a great distance so as not to be so close to the disgusting extremities. And then, even as You are performing this humble service to and for them, Peter tells You, “No way! You shall never wash my feet.” You patiently respond, “What I am doing you do not understand now, but you will know after this.” After this great promise from Your  Mouth to his ears, does he rejoice and gladly receive what You offered? NO. “You shall never wash my feet!”. Thank You for providing great hope over and over in Your Word. No matter how dull and repetitive my ignorant responses are to Your amazing Ways, You do not give up. You answered him, “If I do not wash you, you can have no part with Me.” Peter got it! “Lord, not my feet only, but also my hands and my head!” He was all in! Thank You that You let me be all in even when I am so slow to understand!

In the dark hours of need, You humbly asked Your three closest friends to be praying for You. As You writhed in agony in the garden, they fell asleep. The Son of God asking for prayer;vulnerable, transparent, human. Even after a second request, they were unable to stay awake to support You with prayer in Your desperate time of need.

I wonder if this is why You tell us clearly, You do not sleep, You do not slumber. In all of our dark times of crying out in anguish, You never fail to be there for us; fully alert, fully present, fully caring, fully able.

Psalm 121:3-5 My help comes from the Lord, Who made heaven and earth. He will not allow my foot to be moved; He Who keeps me will not slumber. Behold, He Who keeps me shall neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord is my Keeper; the Lord is my shade at my right hand.

Isaiah 40:28 Have you not known? Have you not heard? The everlasting God, the Lord, The Creator of the ends of the earth, neither faints nor is weary.

Thank You, Jesus.

John 6 describes how the hungry multitude came at You. When You voiced the dilemma of feeding so many (already knowing what You would be doing), Andrew said to You,” There is a lad here who has five barley loaves and two small fish, but what are they among so many?”. Your response? “Make the people sit down.” You were not deterred by his lack of vision, expectancy or faith.

I think of how often I say the same to You…”What is my little against the bigness of the circumstances of my life?” In Your Hands–enough.

I am so encouraged and comforted by Your response to Peter when he got out of the boat to walk to You (Matthew 14:28-32). His enthusiasm and devotion is impressive as he cries out,”Lord, if it is You, command me to come out to You on the water.” And it is truly amazing that he hopped out at Your command onto the dark sea. And then how like us to be suddenly aware of the overwhelming truth and threat of the crashing waves of our reality. And he was afraid and began to sink. But immediately You reached out Your Hand to pull him up ; You did not stand back aloof waiting for him  to prove his faith, You did not wait for an eloquent prayer, You did not wait for him to repent of his doubt, You did not withhold Your Hand until he offered some action to earn Your Touch. IMMEDIATELY, the Hand of the Almighty reached out to help the desperate man. And I can rest knowing You do the same for me.

The quicksand of dark days seem too powerful and I find myself feeling like I am going under. Close and far, tragedy, evil and chaos abound. Old ways of my heart surface and I begin to wonder if I have angered You and thus the lack of any noticeable improvement in the many painful situations.  Humbly, hesitantly and awkwardly, I ask if You would please show me that You love me as I sit out in the night darkness; feeling bad I have asked because I so desire to have faith and confidence in You and to fight the good fight. I timidly ask for a falling star and barely catch a glimpse of the brightest shooting star I have ever seen. And as I continue to sit and pray, I suddenly see something I have never seen before; the stars above in the line of a cross. The Cross. The Cross. The Cross that says, ” Dear child, I couldn’t love you more, I couldn’t love you less”. The Cross that says,” On your own, beloved one, you will always fight human tendencies- weakness, sin, fear, worry-BUT My Cross, My Resurrection will give, has given, gives ALL you need to walk Hand in hand, Heart to heart with Me in victory. Lean into Me. Hold on tight. Don’t let go in fear, failure or apprehension no matter how the enemy or your old ways entice you. On your own, you will never make yourself worthy enough; I have spared you of the need to even try. My Arms, My Heart, My Love, My Power carry you. Always. Consistently. Unconditionally. So you can rest. Your human mind will not grasp this reality without faith in the impossible. And I AM God of the Impossible. Rest. Believe. Let Me carry you. Don’t climb down in a frenzied attempt to do something of your own accord. Rest in Me. I can. I will. I am able. And I want to. I love you, precious child, beyond your ability to comprehend. Rest. Believe. Accept.”

My precious niece, Sarah, was sharing how their 2 year old tantrums almost every time he waits for a piece of frozen bread to become toast for him. She was explaining that no matter how many times she attempts to help him understand why it is necessary to wait, he would demand it be given to him immediately. We were both suddenly aware of how often we do this very thing with our Heavenly Father. I was struck by how Sar described the kind, patient words she would use to try to help Jude agree with the delay. And it touched me to think that You use kind, patient words with us as You try to help us understand Your wisdom in making us wait for things we are demanding at this moment. If Sarah were to give Jude the frozen piece of bread as he requested, it would not only be unpalatable but could actually damage his teeth. So many things we request or demand in our limited understanding that You withhold for our benefit. Only in Your perfect timing and wisdom, can our requests be blessings and not curses. Let us learn to wait patiently as we trust Your goodness and wisdom.

As I walk yet again through the brief, familiar 23rd Psalm, I notice verse 5; You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies…You prepare to serve me a banquet in the presence of my enemies? Personally, if I had the power, I would clear the environment of any unfavorable, unpleasant  distractions and instead design it to be a beautiful, quiet, focused setting; inviting and conducive to resting and enjoying the company and feast. BUT, that is not what You promise here. So, while my enemies are present and out to hurt, destroy, condemn,mislead, taunt, belittle, mock, disappoint, attack…You prepare a table for me. I rest while You prepare the feast. I am invited to dine and relax with You while the enemies are present. Apparently, I don’t need and You don’t intend for me to be isolated in a good place or free from opposition, to enjoy the luxury of Your prepared table and peaceful company. While we are yet in the battle, while the enemies still lurk, You escort me to the table to feast on and with You; a place of rest and nourishment in Your Presence in spite of the turmoil. You prepare…nothing is required of me but to be here…with You. Thank You.