This rain seems to reflect the state of my spirit; dreary, gray, stormy, no brightness, no peeking through of the sun…I look at the weather projections and note clear skies are expected in three days. And I find myself wishing that I could find a “site” that would tell me how many days the current storms in my life are expected to last! I think it would allow me to pace my heart by having an idea of how much longer I have to endure the grueling conditions.

But then I wouldn’t be desperately needing my faith in the darkness to be grown by You, would I? And You promise that is absolute gold! Please help me to know this for the gift that it is–the fellowship of Your Suffering; walking Pierced Hand in hand–learning to trust Your Ways, Your Truth, Your Timing, Your Heart. Jesus!

As I walked out of the gym and past the instructor, I said thank you. And then I realized I was thanking her for pain and told her so. We both laughed and at the same time realized the symbolism, as she said “that’s Biblical!” (I guess anything to justify how tough on us she is!!). I knew by enduring her brutal workout, (i.e. pain!), I could count on getting stronger and healthier, enabling me to live my days more fully to function and serve. And that is what You want me to count on in the spiritual trials of pain; that I will become stronger, more whole, more free and therefore more available to serve Your Purposes in the lives of others. Thank You.

My training routine often feels draining and dull with no noticeable results. Until a specific event occurs that requires stamina and energy; and I am able to see how the monotonous practice has indeed prepared me for a moment such as this. Like when we helped move Carina and then Michael. The numerous trips back and forth, up and down, carrying things, in the heat…and finding it completely doable. And naturally the physical parallels the spiritual. The daily disciplines of quiet and focus with You sometimes feel drab and unproductive…until something occurs that shakes my very foundation. And You allow me to see how the common has prepared me for the uncommon, the unexpected, the catastrophic; how the discipline has grown endurance and perseverance in Your Hands. Please continue to hold me to the moments of training even when I forget the value. Jesus.

Romans 8:4-5 …we also glory in tribulation knowing that tribulation produces perseverance, and perseverance produces character, and character produces hope. And hope does not disappoint because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit Who is given to us.

The heat and the hills took a toll on the pups and me this morning. We began to droop noticeably as we walked and I heard myself optimistically reminding them often that they were almost home; home where they will receive water, rest and refreshment.

And then I hear Your Voice tenderly reminding me of the same. The journey has been rigorous and hot. You encourage me with the truth that every step, even when I am drooping, is one step closer to Home, where there will be eternal refreshment and joy in the Presence of You, Lord and King!

These days (ok! today!) I am more readily entering Your Quiet. And I am baffled to see where we are; in Your Tomb!

…that which was intended for death, became the victory of eternal life

…that which was intended for burial, became Resurrection Power

…that which was intended for isolation and desperation, became the Door to true companionship with You and the Father

…that which was intended for dark defeat, became the celebration and joy of Hope, Life and the mysterious Ways of God!

I find myself dancing before You in the Tomb.

How dark, overwhelming and emptying these many days have been; the pressure relentless, the needs and demands excessive–robbing me of hope, joy and most disturbing, the pressing desire to love You most and make You known. I have slipped, slid then catapulted into lonely desperation…trying to get through the days…surviving with no sign of thriving anywhere. Finding myself defenseless to the lies and traps of the one who hates my soul with a vengeance. Hearing his hot whispers of “I will always win because I will always get people to follow/succumb/enact my dark, hateful ways. Nothing will ever change or get better this side of eternity; won’t happen!” The abyss of hopelessness sucks life out of me, burying my endurance and I am shocked to experience the shell of me lying there…done…given up…nothing left. I stay here, unable to move myself; terrified of the lack of desire, care, motivation to try to escape. Sorrow, sadness and weariness in the hands of the enemy have strangled life out of me. I don’t even find the energy to laugh/scoff at the verse of You coming to give us life and life abundantly. Hopeless tears bathe my broken self. So this is it, I mutter. This ditch of despair has buried me. I can’t be found.

YET.

3 letters. One small word. Such POWER.

Yet, You call to me in the ditch. “I am coming, child. It is NOT over. You came here of your own volition yet I seek you, pursue you because our Father loves the world SO MUCH He sent Me. Reach up. Let Me lift you out. I will carry you. You are so bruised and broken-you are shocked by your state. I am not. I knew your every day before you were. And I LOVE you with a pure and perfect Love that will not end, cannot be stopped and will never change. Never. Not even the smallness of your own heart will keep you from Me”.

I could only give a barely perceptible nod in agreement to being rescued. Again. Truly stunned by the oppressive, airless darkness that overwhelms me. Don’t I know better? Haven’t I learned how to be a better soldier? Self loathing envelopes me as I regard my weakness and propensity to be led so far off.

YET.

Only words of tender mercy, grace, forgiveness enter my heart from Your Heart.    Redemption, restoration from Your Pierced Hands as I let you carry me, Your lost lamb…again.

“This, dear child, is the human dilemma; severe limitations and pain this side of eternity YET I HAVE OVERCOME. Just hold on to Me. Don’t let go.”

Thank You, Beloved Jesus, that You enable me to hold on.

I read some passage about Peter and I think, “I can’t wait to meet that guy!”. I love his passion and devotion to You and his clumsy attempts to walk that out. And then I wonder how long that line will be to talk to him; which then makes me wonder if there will be a line for me? Are there people I have impacted or inspired by Your grace? Are there people that will want to laugh with me about my awkward efforts to love You well? Truly You make clear in Your Word, You value the one and many, so it matters not whether a line has one or many to thank another for listening to You and pouring into their life.

Eternity has become very real to me…and because of You in my life, I want a line!

For some reason that old adage comes to mind this morning; do I see the glass half empty or half full? I then sense You invite me to think about how I am viewing life.

Do I view it as a series of catastrophes emptying life of meaning and extinguishing hope?

Or do I view it as days governed by a most loving, kind and sacrificial God who loves beyond imagining and therefore every tragedy becomes in truth an opportunity and invitation to pray and witness the wonder and power of miraculous transformation?

It would most certainly have to be Your Work, Your Presence in me to authentically place the second view in me. Jesus.

I had the privilege of being with my little brother, Kenny, for many of his treatments at UCSF. This was one of my reflections…

I get to UCSF very early. This gives me time to look out the windows for my little brother’s arrival. The shock of his appearance staggers me every time; cancer seems to be erasing his flesh as his bones protrude, and his once energetic walk is now a slow,unsteady hobble.  As I walk the halls, I pass people whose faces are also etched with pain and our heartbreaks ricochet off one another. This disorienting reality catapults me to the edge of eternity.  I think about the time we are given on this earth. Our stop here is so brief. And I am consumed by the significance of what we choose to do with our moments.

Lord Jesus, You created us for purpose. Let us not miss it.

Grief is feeling like childbirth labor; mind altering pain…trying to breathe through it…pant, pant, pant. And just as labor produces new life, so may the healing balm of grace do the same.