I am trying to imagine what it was like for Joseph of Arimathea to hold Your dead Body. What did he think as he looked at Your lifeless Form? What did it feel like to carry You? Surely Your Blood must have soiled his clothes and body as he moved You to his tomb; Your holy, perfect, spilt Blood. Did he sense the power of the Blood as he held You?

Unbelievable privilege; man holding the dead Body of the Son of God. Perhaps each one of us needs to “hold Your dead Body” before we are able to truly grasp the depth of Your Sacrifice and the miracle of Your Resurrection.

After returning from their journeys of healing and teaching, You invited the tired, hungry disciples to a quiet place to rest (Mark 6:30-44). As You reached the solitary destination, You saw the multitude that had hurried to meet You there and You were moved with compassion. You did not send them away to adhere to the original plan but instead, began to teach them many things. So, instead of the “promised” rest and refreshment, Your disciples found themselves in the midst of a great crowd of seekers that would soon need physical nourishment as well. I wonder how they felt about this turn of events. When it was late in the day, they approached You to suggest You send the people away to surrounding villages so they could buy food for they had nothing to eat. Your response was somewhat humorous and certainly unexpected; “You give them something to eat.”  “Shall we go and buy 200 denarii (wages for approximately 200 days of labor!) worth of bread to feed them?”  Was their response delivered with sarcasm? Disbelief? Fatigue? Disappointment? They thought they were headed into a time of rest, not additional demands. Whatever was in their hearts, You still allowed them to be part of Your miraculous provision to the masses. With the meager finding of five loaves and two fishes, You fed them all. You didn’t provide scantily; they all ate and were filled. Spiritually at first, now physically as well. And after eating, twelve baskets of leftovers were collected—did each disciple get to hold the evidence of the miracle You just performed? (I think that much exquisite symbolism will be revealed to us in heaven!)

The power and truth of this lesson resonates clearly with my spirit. I don’t know how Your disciples were when they were hungry and tired, but I know how I am and it “ain’t pretty!”. I want to drag my cranky pants self to a quiet place with NO interruptions to eat and sleep until I feel recharged. Yet again, You demonstrate that You alone are The Source of power, refreshment and use; NOT my futile attempts and efforts to revitalize myself. When I am exhausted, spent and in dire need of rest, but You choose a path that does not appear to lead to refreshment, I desire to go willingly. I long to witness, perhaps even be humbly used in the miracles You are still performing.

If ever there was a need to hurry, it would seem getting to the home of a dying girl to heal her, would definitely qualify as one of those times! Yet in Mark chapter 5, he describes how You stopped in the midst of the crowd to tenderly attend to a bleeding woman. Understandably, this confusing delay may have rattled the disciples since they replied to You, ” You see the people crowding against You and yet You can ask,’ Who touched Me?'”. I am guessing they were feeling pressed to rush to the little girl’s side, just like her father had begged of You. But You delayed. You stopped. You spent precious moments touching an outcast, ailing woman and gave her new life. This detour would only magnify the miracle You would now perform for the daughter of Jairus. Now You would not only heal her, You would raise her from the dead! What may have appeared as careless disregard of the cries from a desperate man, was actually setting the stage for Resurrection Power.

Please enable me to relax with confidence, trusting that every single delay and every single detour has precise purpose and power . If I choose to become tense and hurried , wanting to press on to the goal that I see and that makes sense to me, I will tragically miss Your Life flowing through me to touch the people I encounter in the stops.

The ringing phone pierces the darkness and I am awakened from a deep sleep. My heart races as I answer. I hate these calls that come at hours that surely do not bring good news. Another unexpected hospitalization. Another mad dash to rearrange my schedule to be with my in laws. I think of the passage in Mark where the disciples rush to You in the boat crying, “Don’t You care that we are perishing?!”. You awoke and quieted the abrupt, raging storm. And then You asked them why they were afraid and still had so little faith? Painful, sad question I am often asked by You. I do not want to need You to calm the abrupt, raging storms in my life. I do not want to need  the threatening winds to cease before I am able to experience Your Peace. I do not want You to have to ask me again, “Do you still know Me so little?”. I desire, by the power of Your Spirit, to rest in Your Arms, my head on the cushion next to Yours, as the waves crash around us.

Sometimes the bloody violence of the Cross makes me want to hurry past the details of Your suffering. The brutality of Your experiences are not scenes I want to visit. I attest to the power and necessity of the Cross but I hesitate to linger at the savage places of Your Sacrifice; horrified at what You faced because of us. Because of me. But Your Spirit beckons me to tarry at these darkest moments.

I read how  the whole garrison surrounded You (Matthew 27:27) and it makes me sick. The thought of depraved bullies ganging up on a scourged, bleeding, weak, solitary Man is nauseating. Most likely they urged one another on in their cold blooded actions. I hate to think of their cruel hands as they stripped You to place a scarlet robe on You in mock royalty. I recoil at the image of them brutally forcing the crown of thorns into Your beaten Head. They spit on You, slapped You and beat You with the reed they had given You to hold in Your Right Hand. Did You even have the strength and eyesight to dodge the hateful blows? You were so mercilessly abused that when the heavy Cross was placed upon Your battered Body, You were not able to carry it alone. The torture continued as the soldiers ruthlessly drove nails into Your Body. And as You hung, naked and bloody, the jeers didn’t cease. “He can’t even save Himself!”; just one of the many insults shouted at You in defiant, ignorant blasphemy. And You took it all. You did not call upon the revenge, power and deliverance available to You. You would not even take a tiny taste of sour wine; not allowing Yourself to lessen, in any way, the excruciating pain. You fully experienced every second of physical agony as well as the torment of being torn from Your Father, Whom You love beyond description, as our sins dragged You to hell. You endured the darkness for us. For me.

The magnitude of Your Cross defies containment. Words seem a mere gateway through which our spirits pass to view in utter amazement all that You suffered for us. For me.

Help us, please, not to hurry past the tomb, so that we might grasp Your painful and complete sacrifice which frees us from the power of darkness. Let us not hurry past the blood, so we might truly realize the agony You willingly accepted in order to grant us free and intimate entry into the Presence of the King of Kings. Let us not run past the misery, so we might really comprehend the torture You lovingly endured so we may join You and the Father, through the Spirit, forever! Do not let us hurry past any aspect of the barbaric anguish lest we miss any facet of what You did for us. For me.

How many times have I read or heard the Bible story about the soil and the seed? But this time, as the pastor discussed the parable, a new realization overwhelmed my mind. What is needed for good soil? Water, of course. What else? Fertilizer. Fertilizer! And what is potent fertilizer made of? If I were being polite, I’d say manure. If I were being real, I’d say crap. Crap is necessary for rich soil! Crap helps roots to grow deep.

All the crap in my life that I beg You to take away is, in fact, enriching my soil thus enabling roots to go more deeply into You. Those circumstances which I hate and regard as completely undesirable, painful,difficult, impossible…are fertilizing the soil of my heart. Good ground allows and welcomes Your Word to embed deeply with stable, hearty roots.

Matthew 13:23 “But he/she who received seed on the good ground is he/she who hears the word and understands it, who indeed bears fruit and produces: some a hundredfold, some sixty, some thirty.”

The fruit that is produced, by the generosity and power of Your Spirit, enables us to produce a hundredfold, sixty or thirty. I want my life to produce a hundredfold! So Lord, if I need more fertilizer to prepare the soil of my heart to receive You more deeply, please do it! Fertilize away! Let me appreciate the crap for what it truly is–a means of preparing my soil for deeper and more productive growth in You.

You know my struggle to feel settled with a schedule that does not primarily contain deeds that are “measurable and observable” to myself and others. You continue to reveal that I am hostage to societal means of self worth, which surprises me because I thought we had worked through that issue. Deeper roots, apparently.

I think about the strength and love it took for Mary to sit at Your Feet (Luke 10:38-42). Her role and value as a woman and hostess involved preparing and caring for the guests. Instead, she chose to listen at Your Feet. She chose to ignore the taunts of her sister. She chose to ignore the importance of fulfilling her role. She chose to put everything aside, except You. She did not budge from Your Sweet Presence no matter the pressure put on her to do so.

And I wonder, did Mary’s wise choice here lead her to the sacred privilege of preparing Your Precious Body for burial? Did her desire to fully listen to You, enable her to truly hear when You spoke of Your impending death? Did her choice then to ignore the pressure to act differently contribute to her being able to now tenderly pour costly perfume over You in spite of how it might look to others?  Mary was not distracted from her purpose even as she heard the harsh criticism regarding her choice. Was she able to not heed the cutting words being thrown at her (Foolish! That should have been used in a sensible way!…) because she had previously chosen to remain focused when others tried to pull her away?

How often do I not budge from Your Presence even when being barked at by the needs and demands around me? How often do I forgo roles that are expected, valued, appreciated and esteemed by others to just sit at Your Pierced Feet and truly listen to hear Your Heart? Please enable me to choose wisely.

You have ignited within me a consuming desire to really know You. It is not about how much I can pray, read or do things “right”– it is about just really being with You. Naturally, I panic (ugh!) since I have NO idea how to do this. I read “the practice of the presence OF GOD”  by brother Lawrence and become even more overwhelmed and anxious as I learn of his remarkable ability to be fully connected to You at all times; a stark and painful contrast to my own complete inability to do so…until I read Part Four added by his dear friend, Joseph de Beaufort. Here he describes the arduous, desperate places brother Lawrence experienced in his desire and journey to become aware of and enjoy Your Presence at all times.

I have also heard of a passionate young follower who actually sets aside a day regularly to envision You with her at every moment. She opens doors to let You pass and sets a place for You at her table.

I yearn to be absolutely aware of Your Company at all times. I want the spiritual realm of life to be as obvious and recognizable as the physical. I desire that Your Holy Spirit train me to converse with You in ALL matters; a natural, easy, enjoyable exchange. With The Living God. You invite and are passionate for Your children to truly enter into this deep communion with You. Almighty God Who longs to be known intimately.

Humbling, mind blowing, foreign, TRUE.

Blaze Holy Spirit! Have full access to do Your Transforming Work! And please enable me to be patient in the process.

The pain behind my shoulder blade shoots down my arm, feeling like a strong fist has grabbed those muscles to twist with a vengeance. It limits how I move my arm.

You continue to patiently teach me, slow learner that I am, how the physical world parallels the spiritual one. And even though I am used to regarding as real only that which I can see or touch, You are retraining me to look with the eyes of my spirit.  As You sharpen my vision, I am enabled to walk by faith, not by actual sight. So, I ask You if this particular health hiccup has spiritual significance as some of my other ones have. Yes.

You designed my hands and arms to lift up in earnest praise, surrender and supplication ( Lamentations 2:19, 3:40-41, Nehemiah 8:6, Psalm 63:4, 134:2). Instead, I have again chosen to try to carry burdens I am not intended to bear. Instead of running to You to place the impossible, hurtful, frustrating circumstances in Your Outstretched , Pierced, Able Hands, I attempt to hold the crushing heaviness of the situations. I allow my thoughts to be occupied by my perspective and helplessness. My heart and spirit grow weary and before I know it, I am overwhelmed and defeated.

At first hint of trouble, I desire my natural and first inclination to be to RUN to You! To hand over that which I am clearly not designed to carry. You invite and instruct me to cast my burden upon You ( Psalm 55:22, Matthew 11:28-30, 1Peter 5:7, Philippians 4:6-7).

Holy Spirit, in all matters of transformation, I am completely helpless to change. Thank You that You desire and promise to do the work for and in me. I need You.

Several, intense situations are demanding attention right now. I walked into the house in what has lately been my typical state of mind–distracted. I was on yet another call of heartbreaking sadness while putting away groceries. I recall refilling my water bottle at some point. Later,when I went to get my bottle, I could not find it anywhere. It’s hot pink; how can I not see it?! I retraced steps. Not there. Did I accidentally put it in some strange place with the groceries as I was sadly listening? No. Nowhere. It is my favorite bottle, just right for trying to meet a water quota and quenching thirst. Feeling a bit silly for being disturbed by the loss, I drink from a glass. The next morning, even Rico joins the search. No bottle.

Now You have my attention. Through big and small, Lord, I know You speak. Let me hear. I sense when/if I find my bottle, there comes with it an important revelation. And literally, a few minutes later, I spot it on a little shelf that houses decorations. The gentle but powerful lesson immediately ensues.

” Dear Child, These are stressful times filled with chaos, uncertainty and disorienting sadness. There are numerous demands and needs you are trying to meet on your own. You don’t mean to. In fact, you have been diligent to fill with the Living Water. But then you set Me down somewhere as you wildly try to keep the crashing worlds of loved ones in order; and your faith resembles more of a decoration instead of the vital, living connection it is meant to be. As you drink of Me, you recognize anew that it is ONLY My Strength, Power and Purpose that effect true, lasting and helpful change, but then you misplace Me. Sometimes you remember quickly that you have forgotten Me, that you have run off on your own and you become bewildered, overwhelmed and scared. Don’t worry, Precious Child, I am continuing to teach and train you how to never let go of My Pierced Hand, how to never “set Me down” and wander off. You will be amazed as My constant Presence covers you in authentic Peace. Now just rest. I am in control. Really.”    Thank You AGAIN that it is all You! That You will change my helpless heart, mind and spirit.

Hebrews 12:11 No discipline (being a disciple) seems pleasant at the time, in fact it is painful. But for those who are trained by it, a harvest/abundance of righteousness and peace is produced.   Please let me be trained.