The waves keep crashing over my life and I fight to not feel deserted and overwhelmed. In Luke 9:43-45, I read ‘But while everyone marveled at all the things  which Jesus did, He said to His disciples, “Let these words sink down into your ears, for the Son of Man is about to be betrayed into the hands of men”.’

I hear. You were telling them there would soon come a time when things would not look marvelous. In fact, things would look fatal, desperate and irreparable. And I hear You say,”Remember, when it looks dark and hopeless, I am still in complete control”. Your betrayal and death would look like defeat and You warned them ahead of time so they would not lose heart. So they would be able to know-no matter how things look, You are God and have great purpose in all things.

And that is enough.

I find it shocking that I am still so easily deceived after walking with You for so many years. Experiencing the type of physical pain that grips the brain, consumes the body and causes one to scream out, crying for any kind of decrease in the horrible, paralyzing sensation has caused me to be available to revisit several things with You. Pain is an effective motivator indeed.

It has been distressing to realize that I have actually believed I have control. If I exercise enough, my body will be strong. If I help enough, people will be okay. If I read Your Word enough, I will understand You.

I am so grateful that You bring to the Light, lies that hold me in darkness. I am so grateful You long and cause for me to know that Only You are in complete control; ALL THINGS are under You. And until I really KNOW this, I will continue to try to help You carry burdens and I am so NOT designed or able to do this and I break. ONLY that which You equip me to do, am I able to do with Your strength; absolute dependence on You, not me!!! Insight into Your Word, Your Promises, Your Heart ONLY comes by Your generous, intimate revelation.

Oh, Holy Spirit, thank You that Only You can make this truth my reality. You will complete what You have started.

As I have had to review the history of my shoulder injury, I have been made aware of repeatedly ignoring some warning signs. As per my habit, as soon as the pain became bearable, I would go back to doing what is natural and “necessary” for me. This is so ingrained, I really was not even cognizant of this pattern. Very harmful behavior.

And of course, I hear the spiritual significance from You. How often have I pushed through broken areas in attempt to function in “normal” ways that are familiar to me; instead of allowing You full access to do the deep and painful healing in my damaged places? How often have I resisted the thorough, slow process of restoration and recreation, desiring instead quick and non disruptive flow to my life? Too often!!!

Being stopped short to be reminded of Your Lordship and Majesty and my desperate need for You has been nothing short of miraculous. May I patiently, compliantly and willingly remain on Your surgical table as You excise dead areas…and most likely not using anesthesia!

I am truly shocked by how quickly and insidiously I can get off track. My shoulder injury has caused my life to come to an abrupt cessation of action. And I am absolutely overwhelmed by Your Presence. When You walked the earth, You were surrounded by crowds, Your disciples…except in the lonely places with Your Father. And now You give us the unbelievable privilege of One on one time with You! Unlimited access to the Great and Awesome I Am! Intimate invitation to the Audience of the King of Kings! And yet I have often chosen to rush into the demands, squeezing a few moments in with You, but definitely running according to my own  agenda. FOOLISH!! UNWISE!! It becomes so clear; I have fallen again into the trap of running ahead of You. My natural bend is quick assessment, quick action. This was necessary, valuable and a natural fit for my many years of critical care nursing, even though You taught me how to depend on You in my career.  My ICU personality is a hindrance as I now walk out my days with You. When I am not willing to slow down to WAIT on You, I walk in my assessment and power which is useless and lifeless. This has been a very unpleasant lesson! Hebrews 12:11 warns of this; no discipline is pleasant at the time, in fact painful (AMEN!!!) however it produces an abundance of right living and peace for those who are trained by it. Please let me be trained by this, Lord!

Feeling awkward but willing, I continue to ask for help since I can only use one arm. Rico helps me dress, Sonya helped me prepare my nephew’s room, my doctor has squeezed me into her overscheduled day and my thoughtful parents offer to pick up anything we need when they go to Costco. I request 2 bags of broccoli and green bananas. I struggle with the notion that I should be doing this for them, not them doing this for me. I go to put a few nuts in my yogurt and notice they are almost gone. I buy them at Costco. It seems obvious…call my folks and add to the list. Simple and yet suddenly a battle ensues in my mind. I don’t want to add to what I have already placed on them. I don’t want to overburden them. I don’t want them to have to carry too much. These are my first thoughts. Finally, I think to ask You what is really going on. “You have set yourself up to be rescuer, helper, savior and you are not familiar with allowing others into the vulnerable parts of you that need help”. OMW!!! I have unknowingly moved into a lethal place of setting myself up to be god in people’s lives. You have given me gifts of genuine compassion and help, but I have allowed the enemy to use these good things against me. Just like in the desert when he intensified the attacks against You, he used good things; the Word!! But You knew how to defeat him. I can only experience victory over his tactics behind You! Never, never on my own! I have insidiously slipped into a very dangerous place. I only desire to offer You to others and I became very misguided in how to do this. I neglected to wait to discover the good works You prepared in advance for me to do; instead rushing in with MY good works which are as useful as rags! I repent! Change me, Kind Savior! Please reestablish correct order in my life, heart and spirit.

When this injury first occurred, I desperately cried out thinking I must have really angered You for You to allow this to happen.  In what seemed like crushing hopelessness, erupts new, beautiful, meaningful transformation. I am truly grateful that You love me so much, You will bring to me that which looks like doom but in fact, is a conduit to new and richer life in You.

I am going to go call my parents and ask for nuts 😉

Unknowingly, I had jumped on to the merry-go-round of helping and doing and before I knew it, the ride was spinning so fast, I was holding on for dear life; take my in laws to appointments, lift the wheelchair, arrange assisted living, check on my folks, help our precious niece, walk the dogs, clean the house, declutter the house, connect with Rico, maintain exercise program to boost health, work, yard work, do mud run…. Until I went to move my arm and heard myself cry out in pain. WHAT?! How can this be? What did I do? Well, according to the ER doctor, I have a severe shoulder sprain and tendonitis, most likely due to ignoring all warning soreness in the previous several weeks. So the ride came to a screeching halt. Literally panicked, I cry out to You, “How will we get all this done if I can’t help?!” Sobering news flash. “Daughter, you have desperately run around offering your help. You have not had time to remain tightly connected to Me so while you are frantic to provide  assistance, you have not been quiet to hear what they really need and what I will equip you to give  them.” Ouch. Guilty as charged. But as always, I hear NO condemnation in Your correction; only deep love and an intent desire to give abundant life and freedom to me and those You bring to my days. As I sit quietly now, arm and shoulder immobilized, I am reoriented and the frenzied pace is suddenly so clear. The brokenness of my reasons surface and You are granting kind transformation. Humbled and vulnerable, I call my dear friend for help. It is embarrassing for me to be helpless and I find myself rejoicing as You reveal this pride in me. Not quite the way I prefer my lessons to come…ok, not at all!! But You are so worth whatever is necessary to bring me back to my first Love.

Mark 8:2-3 reveals Your concern for the hungry crowd that has been with You for three days. In verse 4 the disciples respond, ” How can one satisfy these people with bread here in the wilderness?”. REALLY?!! Did they really have no recollection of the miracle they had witnessed just a few days earlier when You fed the 5000?!

I scoff until Your revealing Light shines on my own questioning heart. How many times have I witnessed Heaven’s Power visit earth only to freak out a few days or a few hours…ok, let’s be honest, a few minutes later when a new and unexpected obstacle arises?! Countless! Ugh! Thank You for always keeping it real! For always revealing the true state of my heart apart from Your Touch. And just as You never gave up on the disciples, You will never give up on me…no matter how often I ask, “How can one satisfy these people with bread here in the wilderness?”.

Too often I have bent over to sniff a lovely rose only to discover there is no scent whatsoever. None. It is a letdown to miss the beautiful fragrance which is expected to accompany the perfectly formed flower. And it makes me wonder, Abba, how often do You bend to inhale the sweet aroma of the Rose of Sharon in Your children, only to find no fragrance whatsoever? How often do we focus solely on the appearance of “our rose” and neglect to invite You to truly develop the aroma of Your Son in our lives? Do we attend to the “looks” of our flower–service, behavior, rituals, activities…and yet not allow the true aroma of Your Son to permeate our lives and hearts?  Let us welcome Your discipline so that we may authentically exude the powerful  fragrance of Jesus to those around us.

You spoke again of Your impending death to the disciples (Mark 9:30-37) . But on the road, their thoughts and discussion centered on which of them would be the greatest in Your kingdom. You asked them what they were disputing but they remained silent. No matter how clueless or off target we are, You do not give up on us and graciously continue to teach/disciple us. “If anyone desires to be first, he shall be last of all and servant of all”. This was a radically foreign premise; to lead one must serve? Then You continue to rock their world by taking a child in Your Arms (how safe and inviting You must have been for a child to go willingly to You) and said,” Whoever receives one of these little children in My Name receives Me, and whoever receives Me, receives not Me but Him who sent Me”. A child?! Receive a child?! A child has no status, no power, no wealth. But You placed great value on these little ones. You placed great value on a service that rarely yields immediate results. You placed great value on a dedication that is often overlooked and not esteemed by society. But it is a service You deem worthy, a high calling, an honor of great significance and importance.

Lead by serving. Highly value the privilege of receiving children. A serious exhortation to us all. Let us not be deceived into thinking or acting in any other way.

When I am weary and overscheduled and feel like I cannot offer a “proper” sacrifice of praise or prayer or reading, You gently remind me of the people in the Bible who knew all they had to do was to reach out to touch the hem of Your garment. You do not increase my burden; You desire to lighten it. Please deliver me from the lies that tell me otherwise.