I keep thinking the darkness will dissipate and the oppression lessen so I can breathe more easily. You promise in 1Corinthians 10:13 that You will not give us more than we can bear but will provide the way so we can endure. Now I get it. This IS more than I can bear; the load is way too heavy and I feel it breaking me. And even though it is too heavy for me to carry, You desire for me to KNOW I am not asked to carry this alone. In fact, You offer to carry it for me. All this pressure is just an opening, a rather beautiful opening, deeper into You. Please enable me to pass and not remain at the opening struggling to try to do this very unsuccessfully on my own.

You knew Judas would be the one to betray You into the hands of evil men for torture and murder. Yet on the night You said one of them would betray You, the other disciples didn’t have a clue who it was. This indicates how well and thoroughly You loved him all the days he walked with You. Even when he came at You in the garden, You called him friend.

May I love as You, those who are out to betray. May there be NO evidence of hurt, anger or disappointment except in the inner chambers with You where I am free to be honest and transparent. May I so trust in You that I am able to authentically leave the future completely to Your Pierced Hands. Jesus.

I wrote down a social security number on a random piece of paper for one of the numerous forms required after the death of my father in law. When I didn’t need it anymore, I went to cross it out but then realized it would be better to just erase it so there was no remaining marks.

Aha! You don’t just cross out our sins, leaving a reminder of its presence over us. You erase them as if they were never there, leaving us unmarked and clear. Amazing!

Death is disorienting…no matter that I know it is an inevitable reality. My father in law died three weeks ago and I try to wrap my mind around his permanent absence. I watch as my beloved mother in law tries to process her world without him.

And I hear a question. How do you desire to spend your remaining days on earth? In pursuit of comfort? Ease? Luxury? Status?…It is a question we each are answering. I sense my heart open honestly before You and am grateful and relieved for the clear answer I hear me speak to You; in authentic service to You. Every single day. Every single moment. Surrendered truthfully to You with no other motive than to know You well and be useful to Your Heart of Love. This has been the intense work of Your Spirit over my life and I am so thankful.