I love our calendar. It keeps me organized and informed. There have been times when the commitments were so numerous, I had to place post it notes over the dates because there was not enough space. My many obligations as wife, mom, aunt, volunteer, RN, small group leader, teen Bible study leader…filled the little white squares on my calendar. In this current season of my life, many of these external roles have diminished. Your present purposes for me are very different from what I have known; now they are more behind the scenes, somewhat invisible and they don’t fill my little white squares. They are fluid obligations, identified as You lead–usually unplanned and unexpected. And amazingly rewarding and humbling. But I struggle with my blank squares!…so used to the badge of busyness that is recognized and greatly esteemed in our day. It is a battle for me to remain content and confident since I am unable to calculate and measure what I am doing. It is uncomfortable for me to not fill those little white squares with activities that make sense to me and look good.

It is disturbing to face another unhealthy and effective hold on me. From where or what or whom do I seek and receive my value? Apparently from people and things around me. Apparently from activities that people notice and applaud. Apparently from visible and esteemed roles.

I have said I desire to truly live for The Audience of One. Why then am I surprised that You are answering this prayer by revealing my weakness? You seem to answer often with revelation before transformation. You give us the privilege of seeing, agreeing and then watching You do the work to change us in the deep places of who we are. Authentic transformation from You. By You. Because of You.

Please have all my little white squares to do with as You please.