How many times have I read or heard the Bible story about the soil and the seed? But this time, as the pastor discussed the parable, a new realization overwhelmed my mind. What is needed for good soil? Water, of course. What else? Fertilizer. Fertilizer! And what is potent fertilizer made of? If I were being polite, I’d say manure. If I were being real, I’d say crap. Crap is necessary for rich soil! Crap helps roots to grow deep.

All the crap in my life that I beg You to take away is, in fact, enriching my soil thus enabling roots to go more deeply into You. Those circumstances which I hate and regard as completely undesirable, painful,difficult, impossible…are fertilizing the soil of my heart. Good ground allows and welcomes Your Word to embed deeply with stable, hearty roots.

Matthew 13:23 “But he/she who received seed on the good ground is he/she who hears the word and understands it, who indeed bears fruit and produces: some a hundredfold, some sixty, some thirty.”

The fruit that is produced, by the generosity and power of Your Spirit, enables us to produce a hundredfold, sixty or thirty. I want my life to produce a hundredfold! So Lord, if I need more fertilizer to prepare the soil of my heart to receive You more deeply, please do it! Fertilize away! Let me appreciate the crap for what it truly is–a means of preparing my soil for deeper and more productive growth in You.

You know my struggle to feel settled with a schedule that does not primarily contain deeds that are “measurable and observable” to myself and others. You continue to reveal that I am hostage to societal means of self worth, which surprises me because I thought we had worked through that issue. Deeper roots, apparently.

I think about the strength and love it took for Mary to sit at Your Feet (Luke 10:38-42). Her role and value as a woman and hostess involved preparing and caring for the guests. Instead, she chose to listen at Your Feet. She chose to ignore the taunts of her sister. She chose to ignore the importance of fulfilling her role. She chose to put everything aside, except You. She did not budge from Your Sweet Presence no matter the pressure put on her to do so.

And I wonder, did Mary’s wise choice here lead her to the sacred privilege of preparing Your Precious Body for burial? Did her desire to fully listen to You, enable her to truly hear when You spoke of Your impending death? Did her choice then to ignore the pressure to act differently contribute to her being able to now tenderly pour costly perfume over You in spite of how it might look to others?  Mary was not distracted from her purpose even as she heard the harsh criticism regarding her choice. Was she able to not heed the cutting words being thrown at her (Foolish! That should have been used in a sensible way!…) because she had previously chosen to remain focused when others tried to pull her away?

How often do I not budge from Your Presence even when being barked at by the needs and demands around me? How often do I forgo roles that are expected, valued, appreciated and esteemed by others to just sit at Your Pierced Feet and truly listen to hear Your Heart? Please enable me to choose wisely.

You have ignited within me a consuming desire to really know You. It is not about how much I can pray, read or do things “right”– it is about just really being with You. Naturally, I panic (ugh!) since I have NO idea how to do this. I read “the practice of the presence OF GOD”  by brother Lawrence and become even more overwhelmed and anxious as I learn of his remarkable ability to be fully connected to You at all times; a stark and painful contrast to my own complete inability to do so…until I read Part Four added by his dear friend, Joseph de Beaufort. Here he describes the arduous, desperate places brother Lawrence experienced in his desire and journey to become aware of and enjoy Your Presence at all times.

I have also heard of a passionate young follower who actually sets aside a day regularly to envision You with her at every moment. She opens doors to let You pass and sets a place for You at her table.

I yearn to be absolutely aware of Your Company at all times. I want the spiritual realm of life to be as obvious and recognizable as the physical. I desire that Your Holy Spirit train me to converse with You in ALL matters; a natural, easy, enjoyable exchange. With The Living God. You invite and are passionate for Your children to truly enter into this deep communion with You. Almighty God Who longs to be known intimately.

Humbling, mind blowing, foreign, TRUE.

Blaze Holy Spirit! Have full access to do Your Transforming Work! And please enable me to be patient in the process.

The pain behind my shoulder blade shoots down my arm, feeling like a strong fist has grabbed those muscles to twist with a vengeance. It limits how I move my arm.

You continue to patiently teach me, slow learner that I am, how the physical world parallels the spiritual one. And even though I am used to regarding as real only that which I can see or touch, You are retraining me to look with the eyes of my spirit.  As You sharpen my vision, I am enabled to walk by faith, not by actual sight. So, I ask You if this particular health hiccup has spiritual significance as some of my other ones have. Yes.

You designed my hands and arms to lift up in earnest praise, surrender and supplication ( Lamentations 2:19, 3:40-41, Nehemiah 8:6, Psalm 63:4, 134:2). Instead, I have again chosen to try to carry burdens I am not intended to bear. Instead of running to You to place the impossible, hurtful, frustrating circumstances in Your Outstretched , Pierced, Able Hands, I attempt to hold the crushing heaviness of the situations. I allow my thoughts to be occupied by my perspective and helplessness. My heart and spirit grow weary and before I know it, I am overwhelmed and defeated.

At first hint of trouble, I desire my natural and first inclination to be to RUN to You! To hand over that which I am clearly not designed to carry. You invite and instruct me to cast my burden upon You ( Psalm 55:22, Matthew 11:28-30, 1Peter 5:7, Philippians 4:6-7).

Holy Spirit, in all matters of transformation, I am completely helpless to change. Thank You that You desire and promise to do the work for and in me. I need You.

Several, intense situations are demanding attention right now. I walked into the house in what has lately been my typical state of mind–distracted. I was on yet another call of heartbreaking sadness while putting away groceries. I recall refilling my water bottle at some point. Later,when I went to get my bottle, I could not find it anywhere. It’s hot pink; how can I not see it?! I retraced steps. Not there. Did I accidentally put it in some strange place with the groceries as I was sadly listening? No. Nowhere. It is my favorite bottle, just right for trying to meet a water quota and quenching thirst. Feeling a bit silly for being disturbed by the loss, I drink from a glass. The next morning, even Rico joins the search. No bottle.

Now You have my attention. Through big and small, Lord, I know You speak. Let me hear. I sense when/if I find my bottle, there comes with it an important revelation. And literally, a few minutes later, I spot it on a little shelf that houses decorations. The gentle but powerful lesson immediately ensues.

” Dear Child, These are stressful times filled with chaos, uncertainty and disorienting sadness. There are numerous demands and needs you are trying to meet on your own. You don’t mean to. In fact, you have been diligent to fill with the Living Water. But then you set Me down somewhere as you wildly try to keep the crashing worlds of loved ones in order; and your faith resembles more of a decoration instead of the vital, living connection it is meant to be. As you drink of Me, you recognize anew that it is ONLY My Strength, Power and Purpose that effect true, lasting and helpful change, but then you misplace Me. Sometimes you remember quickly that you have forgotten Me, that you have run off on your own and you become bewildered, overwhelmed and scared. Don’t worry, Precious Child, I am continuing to teach and train you how to never let go of My Pierced Hand, how to never “set Me down” and wander off. You will be amazed as My constant Presence covers you in authentic Peace. Now just rest. I am in control. Really.”    Thank You AGAIN that it is all You! That You will change my helpless heart, mind and spirit.

Hebrews 12:11 No discipline (being a disciple) seems pleasant at the time, in fact it is painful. But for those who are trained by it, a harvest/abundance of righteousness and peace is produced.   Please let me be trained.

I just finished reading Matthew 18, about the servant who was forgiven much and then would not pardon a small debt owed to him. I never imagined I could be that guy; seems so obvious. Then my eyes land on verse 35 again -“So My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from your heart, does not forgive another’s trespasses.”  “From your heart” shouts at me! Do I truly, from my heart, forgive? What does that mean? What does it look like?

I need to look to You for answers.

You forgave as they hammered Your Flesh (Luke 23:34)! So even with intentional, hurtful, unrelenting offenses; even when others are unaware of their wrongdoing, I am to forgive.

You choose to remember my sins no more (Hebrews 8:12, Isaiah 43:25). You do not hold an account of my transgressions. Why then do I hold a long list of others’ wrongs in my heart?

Forgiving is endless, there is NEVER a time You do not forgive me (Matthew 18:22). Therefore, there is never a time I am not to forgive.

They brought You a woman caught in adultery (John 8:1-11). You didn’t join in the frenzy of accusation, in fact looked down; perhaps to spare her one less set of eyes focused on her impropriety? So I am to forgive even if the offense is widely known and eliciting fervent, unforgiving excitement. I am to look away with respect, pray and forgive.

“From my heart”– how many times have I mouthed “I forgive”, but my heart has remained hostage to a bitter, sad unforgiving spirit?

How do I change?! Romans 7:24–O wretched person that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? I thank God-it is through Christ Jesus our Lord!

YOU will complete the work You have started; to empower me to truly forgive in my heart, to hold no accounts of wrongdoings, repeatedly if need be and even when the offender is unaware or unrepentant. I am absolutely helpless to purify my heart. Help me to bring quickly to You, as Your Holy Spirit reveals, any lack of forgiveness in my heart.

As I look out the window and take in the beauty of Your Creation, I am reminded that the universe indeed declares Your Majesty. Everything speaks of You and Your Ways.

I notice the blanket of spent leaves covering the dirt and reflect on how often You cover the hard ground of my heart. I think of the times when Your earth requires intense labor: weed pulling, harsh pruning, deep digging to break up hard soil…and am again directed to Your Ways of profound uprooting and painful reconfiguration in my own life. I reflect on bitter weather conditions; searing heat and bone chilling cold–physical seasons that echo spiritual ones. I look at bare branches and see new, tiny growth budding forth, a prelude to the strong, full tree it will become.

And so it is with us.

May we welcome and embrace each movement of Your Nature. Even though some are so severe and others so pleasing, each one is necessary and beneficial for our maturity in You.

I love our calendar. It keeps me organized and informed. There have been times when the commitments were so numerous, I had to place post it notes over the dates because there was not enough space. My many obligations as wife, mom, aunt, volunteer, RN, small group leader, teen Bible study leader…filled the little white squares on my calendar. In this current season of my life, many of these external roles have diminished. Your present purposes for me are very different from what I have known; now they are more behind the scenes, somewhat invisible and they don’t fill my little white squares. They are fluid obligations, identified as You lead–usually unplanned and unexpected. And amazingly rewarding and humbling. But I struggle with my blank squares!…so used to the badge of busyness that is recognized and greatly esteemed in our day. It is a battle for me to remain content and confident since I am unable to calculate and measure what I am doing. It is uncomfortable for me to not fill those little white squares with activities that make sense to me and look good.

It is disturbing to face another unhealthy and effective hold on me. From where or what or whom do I seek and receive my value? Apparently from people and things around me. Apparently from activities that people notice and applaud. Apparently from visible and esteemed roles.

I have said I desire to truly live for The Audience of One. Why then am I surprised that You are answering this prayer by revealing my weakness? You seem to answer often with revelation before transformation. You give us the privilege of seeing, agreeing and then watching You do the work to change us in the deep places of who we are. Authentic transformation from You. By You. Because of You.

Please have all my little white squares to do with as You please.

Jesus, Thank You for the privilege of sharing suffering with You. Thank You that You sit with me in understanding as I cry for broken, lost, sad, hurt people (including myself!). You wept, BUT a significant difference, You remind me, is that You are not weak. You act and reign in POWER. While I may crumble under the gloom, You do not! You wept for the pain of Mary and Martha. You were sad for them-perhaps for how unaware and ignorant they were of Your Mighty Ways. You knew the life changing miracle that was moments away for them, yet You still stopped to empathize with their grief and distress. You wept and then RAISED THE DEAD!

You weep with us and then RESURRECT LIVES! You are The Almighty.