Father, You bring me to the Cross and whisper,” I allowed this for you, dear Child”. And, Jesus, as I slowly look up to Your broken, bleeding Body, You look directly and intently at me and state,” Father, forgive her for she does not understand what she does”.  And the sincerity, mercy and grace that accompany these words are uncontainable and life changing.

Lord, may these words confront and conquer the lies from hell that tell me I am hopeless, worthless, inferior, forgotten, insignificant and not favored.  Because Your Cross speaks the truth to me no matter how many times I have bound You and led You away from my life; no matter how many times I have climbed that ladder and pounded those nails with the hammer of my sin into Your willing flesh. No matter how many times, You still forgive me. Amazing grace.

I used to be so afraid of having to confess to You my many weaknesses and infractions. I would want to hide from You which would deceive me to regard the distance from You as a result of Your displeasure with me, and not my movement away from You. I feared Your anger, harsh treatment and withdrawal of love. I would be filled with shame, remorse and self loathing; but instead of feeling like I could bring these to You, I limply held them, allowing the enemy to wrap them around my heart until I felt like a lonely, abandoned orphan in the abyss of my choosing. My fault.

But slowly and time and time again, I have been overwhelmed by Your Grace. You have sought me in my ditches of self condemnation, gently and lovingly carrying me back to Your Heart. It has been and always will be, Your Cross that makes me right. I can be free, even eager to confess to You what You already know about me. And I can wait and anticipate with assurance and peace that You will change me because I sure can’t! YOU will finish in me what You have started. And no matter how ugly I get or choose, You are graciously convincing me- You love me always! Always. And always long to forgive and restore me–I just need to come to You in humble honesty to receive. Grace, mercy, peace, redemption, power, transformation—GIFTS You give me freely and joyfully. Wow.

You used to walk in the garden with Adam and Eve. And now You invite me to walk with You; to stroll, admire, talk…You are friendly and You are my Companion. Every need I have is met in You–spiritual, emotional, physical, familial…You are the Answer and the Insight. You are indeed my portion in the land of the living. You promise me–“Call to Me and I will answer you and tell you great and hidden things you do not know” (Jeremiah 33:3). So, Lord, by Your Precious, Tender Spirit that resides within me, let me come to the garden often for Your Presence, Your Conversation, Your Companionship, Your Revelation-YOU!

Two days later…I am so far away from the garden!! The serpent still lurks and lures and before I know it, the enemy has enticed me with the apple and I bite, banishing myself to the bleak and dangerous wilderness. When will I learn?!

After all these years with You, why am I still insecure? Why am I afraid when others are doing great things, believing “better”, walking more faithfully…that You will like me less? After all these years of Your Patient Touch and Teaching of who I am in and because of You and who I am to You, why do I still wrestle with inferiority–as if what I bring determines my value? “Boast only in the Lord”. When I truly absorb this truth, I might finally understand that whatever others are privileged to do–is because of You, Your choices for them, Your purposes prepared in advance for their lives. And anything I get to do is the same; because of You alone. Perhaps when I truly grasp this reality, I will finally quit striving to earn Your approval, acceptance, attention and affection. And I will realize that You knit me together precisely, carefully, lovingly and wonderfully. Just as You knit together all who live, have lived and will live. And You are pleased. Our value and security is in our identity in You. Who am I to scoff at Your workmanship in my life?

You are the Vine, we are the branches. Branches look different; some are knotty, some thick, some bent, some rough…but as long as we remain connected to the Vine, we can be assured, in spite of how our particular branch might appear or differ, we are throbbing with purposeful, vibrant, blessed, delightful life. Because of You-the Vine.

May I surrender my sorrows, broken dreams and disappointments to You so that the tenderness they produce would soften my heart to be shaped like Yours. If You gave me all I have asked for, I would not be in the position to be molded into Your Image.

There I sit in the corner of the royal ballroom unnoticed, unattractive and  shabbily attired; yet invited to the Prince’s Ball. The boisterous, loud, successful, beautiful people surround the Prince, clamoring for His attention. I can’t even catch a glimpse of His Majesty. I cast my head down, alone in my shame; unworthiness and discomfort filling me to be in such a place at such a time.

And then suddenly a touch. And there He is before me. He gently lifts my face to look upon His and I am enveloped in His Eyes-Eyes that pour out Love for me. For me! His gaze draws me in and I am completely lost and transformed by His Presence and Power. He guides me to my feet and He has miraculously replaced my tattered clothes with rich, lustrous robes and I am beautiful in His Shadow. Then He dances with me-the lovely, harmonious waltz of life.

And I do not understand how-but He does this for and with every earnest heart that is His. There is a song that invites us to wonder what it will be like to finally see You Face to face, but may we never miss the sacred privilege and joy of meeting with You here and now.

Oh Heavenly Father, sometimes, maybe even most times, I think You must be disappointed that You sent Your Son for me. Such a price, such a high cost for me and I am not very much at all in return. I sense You asking why I would feel this.

Because–I am not perfect, I often mess up, bad things happen, I forget what You’ve taught me and repeat mistakes or I haven’t forgotten but I just choose not to, I don’t look good, I am weak, I don’t spend enough time with You, I lose hope and faith…I’m not perfect.

Not an equitable trade. The death of Your Willing, Loving, Committed, Obedient Son for me. I wish I was a better “deal” for You.

Yet– there’s Your quiet but strong and certain Voice again, contradicting the reality I’ve known and accepted. “Child, My Voice never says those things. My Heart is not like man’s. I am completely satisfied with you. And if you were the only child on earth that needed My Redemption, I still would have sent My Precious Son, Jesus. You are that beloved, that important to Me. It is not what you can give Me, Child, (although I will continue to equip you to give Me much!) –it is that I love you. I am, possess and offer a Love that is beyond your comprehension, reality and experience. But NEVER beyond your grasp. Take it, dear Child, and do not let lies hold or deceive you any longer. Let My Truth and My Word be the Voice you hear, the Voice you believe, the Voice in which you rest.”

Shivering, I stared as the paramedic fastened my seat belt. I could hear my screams of shock and fear but realized I was silent. Is this really happening?!, I cried to myself. I turned to the back of the ambulance to see the firemen securing Sarah in the gurney.  Yes, this is real.

Sarah, our beloved niece, has an extremely rare condition that can wreak havoc on her tiny body.

On September 16,2013, Sarah and husband, Charlie, welcomed miracle #2, Stella Rose, into their lives. Their first miracle, 15 month old Jude, would meet his new sister later. On day 7, Sar was continuing to recover beautifully, as confirmed by the MD appointment that morning. We were cleared to travel the 2 hours to our home which would provide a few more days of extra help. So Sar, Charlie, Jude, Stella and I arrived in Roseville Monday afternoon. Tuesday our world crashed. Hard.

We came to find out that Sarah’s body had been invaded and overwhelmed by a rare,extremely aggressive  bacteria which was causing her body to shut down (septic shock).  In ER, my mind floated in disbelief as we were urgently rushed from one test to another; Sar drifting in and out of awareness (Charlie sacrificially remained with the babies until his parents could arrive). Dazed, I continued praying/begging You to bring Sar’s body into alignment with Your Truth, to bring her dangerously high heart rate down, to bring her dangerously low blood pressure up, to let the doctor get the central line in safely, to bring color to her ghastly white face and lips, to bring warmth to her ice cold hands and feet. Then I heard Your surprising response “Stop, dear Child. I see. Just ask for the Might and Peace of My Presence to fill this place. To fill Sar’s heart, mind and body.” And You did.

Sar was in ICU for 8 days. Although we were grateful to learn this hospital is in the top 10 for sepsis treatment, these brilliant doctors were brutally honest about how Sarah’s case baffled them. Her underlying condition complicated the already grim prognosis. Her legs and arms turned deep purple and the chest tube poured out fluid while her heart pumped furiously—standard treatment methods were not working. Recovery seemed impossible as was reflected in their sad, troubled faces and comments. Our hearts and spirits were quiet, surrendered, somewhat unassuming.

Yet, in moments, You were to bring us a different dimension of Your Heart in this. Sar’s brother, Ryan, flew in, not knowing if it was to say good by. However, he entered her room with a battle plan. Like a warrior, he walked the ground of her room, boldly claiming it for You. He announced Your Victory over Sar’s body, mind and spirit. Suddenly, fresh Power descended upon us. The Truth of God’s Authority had been declared and began consuming us and redirecting us. Alleluia! You were in charge and in complete control! NOT Sar’s symptoms. NOT the various reports. NOT the prognosis. NOT the tests. NOT the limitations of man’s treatments and solutions. GOD ALONE!

Sarah was discharged from the hospital on day 10. She continues to heal and gain strength. She is ecstatic to be home with her family. She is radiantly beautiful-even as her hair falls out (an effect of such severe illness).

Most likely, we will not know this side of heaven-WHY?… Why do You heal some and not others?…so many whys in this life.  BUT, we came away renewed in the realization of God’s Authority. And He is ALL GOOD. So, every plan will eventually point to His Love and Kindness…as we wait.

For more on Sarah and Charlie (and Jude and Stella=)), please go to Charlie’s blog to read moving accounts of this husband’s journey.  bloggingcharlie.com